My bad

So he replied to my last message, but only said that he's in Wichita, ks since July 2005. Of course I had to ask the obvious questions like why did he move there, what is he doing and how does he like living there. Still no reply to those questions. I swear it's like pulling teeth to get him to open up.

My reply

The hugs, no kisses, was probably too much but overall, I think it was a good reply. Crossing my fingers it doesn't take him forfucking ever to write back.

lol, please to be explaining what you meant by best you can tell, I'm still the same too. Understanding that statement would require me knowing more info then you have provided me :P

I did check out Xavier's fb page and wow, he's so adorable. Hard to believe he's the same age as you were when I first remember you from 8th grade. Yes, I recognized you, just can't remember if I ever told you that. Anyways, I use to have a myspace page and i was "friends" with Margaret so I'd seen pictures of him before.

So no more talk about 'sad crap'. You gonna avoid the where are you living question anymore or actually answer me? I know your profile says hometown wichita, but for some reason I was thinking that was where you lived before you moved to Mesquite. My memory ain't what it use to be. What about you? Do you find that you have a hard time remembering things from way back then? Of course some things I definitely remember like it was yesterday. I must have selective memories :)

Ok, no emo replies please. :o)
Hugs, no kisses.

Huh.... whadaya know???

Yes, he wrote back. My first reaction to his message is that I wish I could give him a big hug. He really seems like he needs one and I don't think we hugged each other enough when we knew each other. My second thought was, do I believe him when he says he searched for me by my maiden name. I want to!!! There's no reason to believe he had any reasons other than curiosity. Thirdly, I really want to know exactly what he meant by saying that it doesn't seem to him like I have changed. I wonder if he'll answer me if I ask him? Doubt it!! And lastly.... what the hell dude.... just tell me where you freaking live already!!!

lmao. thats pretty funny stuff. yeah im still the same way. and best i can tell you are too. lolz. its not really that i dont want to talk to you its just that i dont like talking about me not getting to see my kids. just sitting here now i realized its because i have to hold all of that emotion in, and talking about it kind of lets it come to the surface so to speak. anyways.... enough of that sad crap.
i cant believe its been that long either. in some ways it still seems like just yesterday. and in others i feel like father time is beating me down:) oh and im glad you found me too. i have honestly searched for you before but you are not mcdaniels anymore. so it was a no go.
my daughter is in santa fe nm. with her mother. i am allowed to see her whenever i can but thats not that much. she doesnt keep her from me i just cant get to her very often, for a number of reasons. dont care to list them. shes pretty ill put a pic up sometime. xavier is one of my friends on here you should check him out he is so big omg. the time sure has flown by. well the days drag by but the years pass rather quickly.

And I give up

I should have done this several messages ago, but I'm not planning on sending him another message ever unless he replies back to me. It's been 2 days since I said way more than I should have hoping it would compel him to reply. But he hasn't and now I feel so stupid. I'm giving up!!!

I sent him another message

I decided to just lay it all out. I really felt like I opened up to him in hopes that he would feel compelled to respond back to me. My "crazy dreams" have just been annoying the hell out of me lately and I just needed to get some of those things out. Here's my spew.

Titled Awww

Now you're just blowing me off. So now that you're in your 30's and not a kid anymore, what do you do for fun? I don't necessarily feel old, but it's hard for me to believe that it's been over 16 years since that first Christmas season at Penney's. And I still only know you from that time period and practically nothing from then on. You were always and from what I can tell, still are, very private. I guess that's why I feel like I'm constantly asking you questions and then slightly disappointed when you ignore them. Regardless, a huge part of me is just relieved to have found you on fb. Well I'm sure I've said to much already. Best to shut up now before I really embarrass myself, lmao. Write back bitch!!!!

Of course now I'm second guessing the last sentence. I probably should have put an emoticon after it. *sigh* Oh well. Nothings been posted on FB since my message was sent. Oh and I'm now wondering if he actually does live in Wichita, KS. He mentioned to Rosalie that the next time he was in town they could chill "sumtime", lol.

Crazy dreams

So I've realized that I've had a reoccurring dream for years and years. It's pretty common that I dream about him and I've never put too much thought into the dreams until now. When I tell James that I dreamed about him, he teases me and always ask if the sex was good and better than it is with him. I always just roll my eyes and say my dream wasn't like that. And to be honest, I think only 1 or 2 of my numerous dreams have involved us having sex. So my dreams are always somewhat different, ie different locations, different time periods, different circumstances in general, but one main theme in every single one of them is we just talk. We learn about each other, we find out what each of us are thinking, have thought and wishes for our future. I love the feeling in my dream when I'm just getting "close" to him by learning everything about him and how he's feeling. So today I realize that those are my deepest desires regarding him. I so desperately want him to write me back because I want him open up to me like he does in my dreams. This is total rambling. Hope no one is actually reading this.

I waited a week.

I couldn't stand it any longer and had to send him another message. It was short and sweet and hopefully will do the trick.

Hey, how's your week going? I'm realizing that I'm a lot better at "keeping in touch" than you are. lol. just saying. Anyways, hope you're enjoying the snow and you have a good weekend.

Tuesday, blah...

I've been fighting the urge all day to send him another message. For a second I thought he replied, but it was just something from EP. It sucks waiting on him to write back wondering if he ever will. For now, I'm still hoping.

cigarettes are evil...

Bad day!!!! Just need to get this out there. James lied to me today. I found cigarette wrapper trash in his blue jeans pockets. I called and told him I found it and he said "huh, that's weird". I asked if he had bought some and he told me No. I even gave him another chance to just tell me the truth and he still led me to believe that he hadn't bought any and wasn't sure why there was trash in his pocket.

Later when I was on IM, he asked if I was still mad for finding the trash, and asked if I would feel better if he just confessed. I told him not to confess if he didn't actually buy any. Then he tells me that he lied... he wanted a cigarette, bought the pack, smoked one, saved one and burned the rest. He was too ashamed to tell me about his craving, didn't feel like it was something I needed to know about. Then when I asked him about it, he says he was mad. I guess at himself for being caught. To me it sounds like he would have never mentioned it to me if I hadn't found the evidence... and it probably would have happened again, along with the constant bumming.

He tells me that he feels really stupid for lying and thinks he's an ass and is probably going to feel this way for a while. I admit that I'm upset with him for lying to me when I gave him plenty of chances to be honest. I'm trying to act normal with him but it's definitely hard. And of course he's acting very different around me. He says he can tell that I'm still mad at him. I'm really trying not to act that way. I haven't been able to talk about it at all. I can't tell my friends about it because I'm embarrassed for them to know that he lied to me. It's not something I'm proud of and want them knowing. So this blog as now become more than my "Will" space. Who by the way has not replied to my message that I sent him over 4 days ago. Anyways, just needed to "talk".

Just checking in...

Not much to dish on today. No reply from him... obviously. He appeared busy last night but was active on Cafe World today. He keeps getting these "hugs" from that Rosalie Williams chick. She's the one who says they should chill sumtime... lmao. Anyways, just need to post and say he's been on my mind, but what else is frickin' new???

Random thoughts

I'm pretty sure if I remember correctly, I was always fairly insecure about myself when I was in high school. And I'm sure it's partly due to the fact that he never looked at me in the way he looked at most of the girls we worked it. Now I know that was for the best, but I just never felt pretty enough or "good" enough for him. And by good I mean I wasn't what he was looking for. James has done a lot to improve my self esteem as far as he is concerned. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he loves me exactly the way I am. Even all the things that I personally don't like about myself are things that he doesn't care about in the least. But I was thinking about if my life were different and I found myself single and I was actually given another opportunity to have him in my life, I would definitely be reverting back to my insecurities. Small chested, flabby stomach, ass issues, snoring, etc. I think with all those things I feel insecure about, I would never feel comfortable enough around him to be totally intimate and, even if he seemed totally into me and said all the things that I wanted to hear. And that makes me kind of sad. I need to improve this about myself.... not that I'll ever be intimate with him, but if I can't even be comfortable with him in my fantasies then somethings wrong, lol.

Yay!!! I waited over 24 hrs to reply!

So, I tried really hard to wait as long as I could to reply. I figured this was probably the best opportunity I was gonna get since Alex is at school and Jackson is napping. Anyways, here is my reply. Tried to keep is casual, but informative.

You think they look like me? I definitely think that Natalie looks like me. I get told that all the time, especially by people that I knew when I was her age. I have no doubt that your daughter is beautiful. Do you ever get to see her? Does she live with her psycho mom?

Sorry to hear that you and Katy(sp?) didn't speak for so long. I'm not opposed to reading long stories if you're wiling to share. Where in East Texas is your mom? You know I went to college out there in Nacogdoches. That is where James and I met, and we almost stayed out there after graduation, but I got offered a job in Plano paying more than the job I got offered out there.

So you told me where your mom and sister live, but I still have no clue where you live, lol. I see that you're 'friends' with Deidre Parker, did you know that she lives out here in Wylie too? The first time I saw her I had to really stare at her for a while to figure out if that was her or not.

So what else have you been up to in the last decade? I swear you pretty much already know everything about me. Pretty boring. I continued working Christmas's and summers at Penney's until my senior yr of college, except for one summer that I took off and worked at a camp in Colorado(blech, I don't recommend it). Then I graduated, moved to Plano, worked for a yr, got married, moved to Seattle, had 2 kids, moved to Wylie, then had another kid. Oh yeah, I actually worked at a Penney's in WA state too cuz the job market up there sucked and I was bored. I did pricing and signing for children's dept.

I swear I have like a bajillion questions I could ask you, but I'm sure I'm just coming off as nosy so start sharing so I don't have to ask, lol. Chat later.

Ah... I love Wednesdays!!

LOL, Ok I'm sure by my post title you can tell that I'm in a better mood than I've been recently. So to answer the question, yes, he replied to my message last night. Here is what he had to say.

ok sorry it took so long.
first let me say im glad you are doing well. i cant believe how much them babies look like you. they are cute.
so i did have another kid with a different girl. she will be 12 in august. shes beautiful. but... her mother is a frickin psycho.
blah blah blah. i could go on and on and on.
mom is in east texas and sister is in forney till school lets out then i think they are moving to where mom is. she has 2 kids like 8 and 6 or something havent met them yet. sis and i just started talkin agian after 12years. another long story. lol.
anyways its great to hear from you again. please feel free to keep in touch. ill try and respond in a more timely manner.

So, I admit that I wish he wold have talked about Margaret some and of course I wish he would actually seem interested enough in me to ask some questions, but I'm just beyond happy that he replied and seems happy to have an online friendship with me. Anyways, I'm just so happy. Now I gotta figure out how to reply back to him.

In the mean time, I will continue playing Cafe World. He's now my neighbor and he has sent me gifts, which is helpful.