I guess I can't give this up yet...

Got a message from him out of the blue today. He asked about Jennifer Little :( :( :( Why does he want to know about her???? LOL.... So the story is that we both had massive crushes on him and we both knew about it. But she always had boyfriend and so her crush was slightly different then mine. But at some point in time, she was broken up with her boyfriend and somehow her and HIM met up one night at his place and they "hooked" up. I still remember the song that she said was playing. "One boy, one girl". Now whether this is true or not, I'm not sure, but I don't think she would lie to me and time has made me forget the details of how the evening came about. So I replied to his message telling him I didn't keep up with her while I was in college and that she had had a baby and then married a black guy. She's on FB, but I'm not "friends" with her, and honestly, I have no real desire to be friends with her. I have a feeling that she would ask me about HIM and I'm not in the mood to share right now ;)

Well I'll be damned!!

He's actually doing pretty well with the replies. He didn't even make we wait a whole week this time. He sent this last night.

i moved up here because i followed a girl up here. really it was simple economics at the time. long story. but anyways it was cool at first but i am growing more and more home sick. especially the more people i get in touch with on here, its hard sometimes. oh well. we shall see how it goes huh.

Didn't really know how to reply at first. I mean really, what do you say to that. Of course i wanted to ask him if he and the girl were still together, but I'm kind of assuming not or he might have called her his girlfriend. Anyways, I actually asked a lot more than I intended too. I didn't plan to ask about the work and Lorena stuff.

Sounds like it was serious with this girl if you moved so far away to be with her. Although I admit that it's really exciting to move away and live somewhere different. I sometimes wish we still lived in Seattle, but I know ultimately we are happier here closer to our families.

Hopefully you've met a lot of friends up there. I drove thru Kansas on my way to KC, MO. We got stuck on some freaking toll road right during lunch time and had to stop at the nastiest McDonald's in all of Kansas. Stupid google maps should have mentioned that fact when it recommended that route, lol.

Have you gotten in touch with anyone else we worked with? Honestly, I just don't have much desire. Although I will go and visit Lorena from time to time. She loves to see my kids. I'm sure she will be happy to hear that I've "talked" to you, and will be glad to know you're doing well.... theoretically. :)

My bad

So he replied to my last message, but only said that he's in Wichita, ks since July 2005. Of course I had to ask the obvious questions like why did he move there, what is he doing and how does he like living there. Still no reply to those questions. I swear it's like pulling teeth to get him to open up.

My reply

The hugs, no kisses, was probably too much but overall, I think it was a good reply. Crossing my fingers it doesn't take him forfucking ever to write back.

lol, please to be explaining what you meant by best you can tell, I'm still the same too. Understanding that statement would require me knowing more info then you have provided me :P

I did check out Xavier's fb page and wow, he's so adorable. Hard to believe he's the same age as you were when I first remember you from 8th grade. Yes, I recognized you, just can't remember if I ever told you that. Anyways, I use to have a myspace page and i was "friends" with Margaret so I'd seen pictures of him before.

So no more talk about 'sad crap'. You gonna avoid the where are you living question anymore or actually answer me? I know your profile says hometown wichita, but for some reason I was thinking that was where you lived before you moved to Mesquite. My memory ain't what it use to be. What about you? Do you find that you have a hard time remembering things from way back then? Of course some things I definitely remember like it was yesterday. I must have selective memories :)

Ok, no emo replies please. :o)
Hugs, no kisses.

Huh.... whadaya know???

Yes, he wrote back. My first reaction to his message is that I wish I could give him a big hug. He really seems like he needs one and I don't think we hugged each other enough when we knew each other. My second thought was, do I believe him when he says he searched for me by my maiden name. I want to!!! There's no reason to believe he had any reasons other than curiosity. Thirdly, I really want to know exactly what he meant by saying that it doesn't seem to him like I have changed. I wonder if he'll answer me if I ask him? Doubt it!! And lastly.... what the hell dude.... just tell me where you freaking live already!!!

lmao. thats pretty funny stuff. yeah im still the same way. and best i can tell you are too. lolz. its not really that i dont want to talk to you its just that i dont like talking about me not getting to see my kids. just sitting here now i realized its because i have to hold all of that emotion in, and talking about it kind of lets it come to the surface so to speak. anyways.... enough of that sad crap.
i cant believe its been that long either. in some ways it still seems like just yesterday. and in others i feel like father time is beating me down:) oh and im glad you found me too. i have honestly searched for you before but you are not mcdaniels anymore. so it was a no go.
my daughter is in santa fe nm. with her mother. i am allowed to see her whenever i can but thats not that much. she doesnt keep her from me i just cant get to her very often, for a number of reasons. dont care to list them. shes pretty ill put a pic up sometime. xavier is one of my friends on here you should check him out he is so big omg. the time sure has flown by. well the days drag by but the years pass rather quickly.

And I give up

I should have done this several messages ago, but I'm not planning on sending him another message ever unless he replies back to me. It's been 2 days since I said way more than I should have hoping it would compel him to reply. But he hasn't and now I feel so stupid. I'm giving up!!!

I sent him another message

I decided to just lay it all out. I really felt like I opened up to him in hopes that he would feel compelled to respond back to me. My "crazy dreams" have just been annoying the hell out of me lately and I just needed to get some of those things out. Here's my spew.

Titled Awww

Now you're just blowing me off. So now that you're in your 30's and not a kid anymore, what do you do for fun? I don't necessarily feel old, but it's hard for me to believe that it's been over 16 years since that first Christmas season at Penney's. And I still only know you from that time period and practically nothing from then on. You were always and from what I can tell, still are, very private. I guess that's why I feel like I'm constantly asking you questions and then slightly disappointed when you ignore them. Regardless, a huge part of me is just relieved to have found you on fb. Well I'm sure I've said to much already. Best to shut up now before I really embarrass myself, lmao. Write back bitch!!!!

Of course now I'm second guessing the last sentence. I probably should have put an emoticon after it. *sigh* Oh well. Nothings been posted on FB since my message was sent. Oh and I'm now wondering if he actually does live in Wichita, KS. He mentioned to Rosalie that the next time he was in town they could chill "sumtime", lol.

Crazy dreams

So I've realized that I've had a reoccurring dream for years and years. It's pretty common that I dream about him and I've never put too much thought into the dreams until now. When I tell James that I dreamed about him, he teases me and always ask if the sex was good and better than it is with him. I always just roll my eyes and say my dream wasn't like that. And to be honest, I think only 1 or 2 of my numerous dreams have involved us having sex. So my dreams are always somewhat different, ie different locations, different time periods, different circumstances in general, but one main theme in every single one of them is we just talk. We learn about each other, we find out what each of us are thinking, have thought and wishes for our future. I love the feeling in my dream when I'm just getting "close" to him by learning everything about him and how he's feeling. So today I realize that those are my deepest desires regarding him. I so desperately want him to write me back because I want him open up to me like he does in my dreams. This is total rambling. Hope no one is actually reading this.

I waited a week.

I couldn't stand it any longer and had to send him another message. It was short and sweet and hopefully will do the trick.

Hey, how's your week going? I'm realizing that I'm a lot better at "keeping in touch" than you are. lol. just saying. Anyways, hope you're enjoying the snow and you have a good weekend.

Tuesday, blah...

I've been fighting the urge all day to send him another message. For a second I thought he replied, but it was just something from EP. It sucks waiting on him to write back wondering if he ever will. For now, I'm still hoping.

cigarettes are evil...

Bad day!!!! Just need to get this out there. James lied to me today. I found cigarette wrapper trash in his blue jeans pockets. I called and told him I found it and he said "huh, that's weird". I asked if he had bought some and he told me No. I even gave him another chance to just tell me the truth and he still led me to believe that he hadn't bought any and wasn't sure why there was trash in his pocket.

Later when I was on IM, he asked if I was still mad for finding the trash, and asked if I would feel better if he just confessed. I told him not to confess if he didn't actually buy any. Then he tells me that he lied... he wanted a cigarette, bought the pack, smoked one, saved one and burned the rest. He was too ashamed to tell me about his craving, didn't feel like it was something I needed to know about. Then when I asked him about it, he says he was mad. I guess at himself for being caught. To me it sounds like he would have never mentioned it to me if I hadn't found the evidence... and it probably would have happened again, along with the constant bumming.

He tells me that he feels really stupid for lying and thinks he's an ass and is probably going to feel this way for a while. I admit that I'm upset with him for lying to me when I gave him plenty of chances to be honest. I'm trying to act normal with him but it's definitely hard. And of course he's acting very different around me. He says he can tell that I'm still mad at him. I'm really trying not to act that way. I haven't been able to talk about it at all. I can't tell my friends about it because I'm embarrassed for them to know that he lied to me. It's not something I'm proud of and want them knowing. So this blog as now become more than my "Will" space. Who by the way has not replied to my message that I sent him over 4 days ago. Anyways, just needed to "talk".

Just checking in...

Not much to dish on today. No reply from him... obviously. He appeared busy last night but was active on Cafe World today. He keeps getting these "hugs" from that Rosalie Williams chick. She's the one who says they should chill sumtime... lmao. Anyways, just need to post and say he's been on my mind, but what else is frickin' new???

Random thoughts

I'm pretty sure if I remember correctly, I was always fairly insecure about myself when I was in high school. And I'm sure it's partly due to the fact that he never looked at me in the way he looked at most of the girls we worked it. Now I know that was for the best, but I just never felt pretty enough or "good" enough for him. And by good I mean I wasn't what he was looking for. James has done a lot to improve my self esteem as far as he is concerned. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he loves me exactly the way I am. Even all the things that I personally don't like about myself are things that he doesn't care about in the least. But I was thinking about if my life were different and I found myself single and I was actually given another opportunity to have him in my life, I would definitely be reverting back to my insecurities. Small chested, flabby stomach, ass issues, snoring, etc. I think with all those things I feel insecure about, I would never feel comfortable enough around him to be totally intimate and, even if he seemed totally into me and said all the things that I wanted to hear. And that makes me kind of sad. I need to improve this about myself.... not that I'll ever be intimate with him, but if I can't even be comfortable with him in my fantasies then somethings wrong, lol.

Yay!!! I waited over 24 hrs to reply!

So, I tried really hard to wait as long as I could to reply. I figured this was probably the best opportunity I was gonna get since Alex is at school and Jackson is napping. Anyways, here is my reply. Tried to keep is casual, but informative.

You think they look like me? I definitely think that Natalie looks like me. I get told that all the time, especially by people that I knew when I was her age. I have no doubt that your daughter is beautiful. Do you ever get to see her? Does she live with her psycho mom?

Sorry to hear that you and Katy(sp?) didn't speak for so long. I'm not opposed to reading long stories if you're wiling to share. Where in East Texas is your mom? You know I went to college out there in Nacogdoches. That is where James and I met, and we almost stayed out there after graduation, but I got offered a job in Plano paying more than the job I got offered out there.

So you told me where your mom and sister live, but I still have no clue where you live, lol. I see that you're 'friends' with Deidre Parker, did you know that she lives out here in Wylie too? The first time I saw her I had to really stare at her for a while to figure out if that was her or not.

So what else have you been up to in the last decade? I swear you pretty much already know everything about me. Pretty boring. I continued working Christmas's and summers at Penney's until my senior yr of college, except for one summer that I took off and worked at a camp in Colorado(blech, I don't recommend it). Then I graduated, moved to Plano, worked for a yr, got married, moved to Seattle, had 2 kids, moved to Wylie, then had another kid. Oh yeah, I actually worked at a Penney's in WA state too cuz the job market up there sucked and I was bored. I did pricing and signing for children's dept.

I swear I have like a bajillion questions I could ask you, but I'm sure I'm just coming off as nosy so start sharing so I don't have to ask, lol. Chat later.

Ah... I love Wednesdays!!

LOL, Ok I'm sure by my post title you can tell that I'm in a better mood than I've been recently. So to answer the question, yes, he replied to my message last night. Here is what he had to say.

ok sorry it took so long.
first let me say im glad you are doing well. i cant believe how much them babies look like you. they are cute.
so i did have another kid with a different girl. she will be 12 in august. shes beautiful. but... her mother is a frickin psycho.
blah blah blah. i could go on and on and on.
mom is in east texas and sister is in forney till school lets out then i think they are moving to where mom is. she has 2 kids like 8 and 6 or something havent met them yet. sis and i just started talkin agian after 12years. another long story. lol.
anyways its great to hear from you again. please feel free to keep in touch. ill try and respond in a more timely manner.

So, I admit that I wish he wold have talked about Margaret some and of course I wish he would actually seem interested enough in me to ask some questions, but I'm just beyond happy that he replied and seems happy to have an online friendship with me. Anyways, I'm just so happy. Now I gotta figure out how to reply back to him.

In the mean time, I will continue playing Cafe World. He's now my neighbor and he has sent me gifts, which is helpful.

sunday and blech!!!

Had another fb message today that I really thought would be from him. Obviously, it wasn't and I'm totally bummed. He's done some cafe world stuff today, but still hasn't taken the time to write back. Had lunch with Tailor and Liz today and told them all about it. I immediately turned red and splotchy. I can't even talk/think about it without getting like that. ::sigh::

Sad panda

Wow, today was pretty disappointing. I woke up really expecting to see a reply from him. So I wasn't entirely shocked to see that I had a message. I also had a Cafe World notification. So I checked that first thinking he sent me a gift, but found that it was from someone else. Then I checked the message and it turns out it was a spam message from another friend. I just felt so defeated. I'm not now feeling as optimistic as I once was. Oh and of course since I'm a stalker and all, I had to check his page and he finally updated his cafe world stuff around midnight.

Where is he???

So we're gone all night at Lance and Shannon's and I'm just hoping that I'll have a message from him when we get home. But nope, nothing. And not even any cafe world updates. Wonder where he's been today???

Same ole

Kind of getting tired of reporting that there is still no reply. And to make things worse, he hasn't published anything of Cafe World since yesterday afternoon. I'm still being optimistic. I need to get ready to go over to our friends house tonight for dinner. I still have wet hair and a towel on my head.

Friday

Still no reply from him this morning. Lots of dreams though revolving around us being at school, yet somehow James was in them and i was showing him what I said in my reply. I'm optimistic that I will hear from him in some way.

I broke down

I just can't take it anymore and I broke down and sent him another message. Gah, I'm such an transparent idiot. Anyways, here's my message.

Ok, I'm gonna try this again and I'm gonna be more positive this time. Got anything good to share?

So I broke down and actually checked out this Cafe World thing. So far it's frustrating the hell out of me. I can't seem to figure out how to keep the buzz rating up. I don't have the time to actually have something being served 24/7. Is that the point of this game?

The point of this random message is to encourage you to reply, even if you want to tell me to fuck off.... please don't. ;) Anyways, I know I was being too nosy before and I'm sorry.

I need restraint

I've come so close to sending him another message today. Pretending to write out a reply to my message for him or just to tell him that I'm sorry for being so nosy. But I need to keep waiting... it's still just too soon. In the mean time, I guess I'll keep trying to get the point of this Cafe World game. His profile has updated twice today with his stuff.

I also think that Haleigh might be his daughter. My guess is she's around 11.

Thursday

No reply yet!!! I did some experimenting yesterday. I actually started playing the Cafe World game to see what all the fuss was about. I made some bacon cheeseburgers and served them to everyone who came in my cafe. Kind of dumb, I can't figure out what the appeal is, but I discovered that the FB headings do appear at the top of the screen, so he should definitely be able to see that his inbox has a message. Now I know he's just avoiding sending a reply. Of course I'm just hoping that he's taking his time. He didn't publish anything last night. ::shrugs::

Still waiting

Still waiting on a reply. I'm really trying not to obsess. But every time I check to see if I have a message, I then have to check his profile to see if he's done anymore Cafe World stuff. Anyways, I've been wondering how long I should wait before I send him another message? Hmm...

come on....

What does it take to actually reply to a message. I mean, if he's offended in anyway about my message then he should tell me and not ignore me. Just reply and stop playing Cafe World.

I'm trying to figure out when this guy may work. He seems to be "cooking" in the midday time frame and the late night early morning. Oh and I think I found that he lives in Garland. More than I've ever found before. He's finally starting to come out from under the rock he's lived under for 15 yrs.

Wed bright and early

Still no reply from Will, however I did receive a "Come play Cafe World" request from him. I ignored immediately, and now I want it back, and not because I would actually consider playing it for him, but because I just want to see it next to his picture... lame!!! I don't think I actually had any dreams about him, but I did fall asleep daydreaming about ways he would possibly reply to my message.

Gah... I'm lame!!!

He's just made some donuts in cafe world and published it to his fb page. I know he doesn't technically have to be on fb for this to happen, but I just can't help but wonder why he isn't replying to my message. It took him 4 days to reply to the first one and I just expected him to be "looking" for my reply. ::sigh::

I told James about our messages. It was weird and it felt wrong keeping it from him. I don't think he trust me when it comes to Will. But he didn't get mad, he took it well I think.

Our convo so far.

Robyn Mills January 21 at 11:21pm

So first of all, I have to say that I'm a bit disappointed that I'm not able to learn more about you based on the info that you have on FB. Seriously Raleigh, after 15 yrs I really just wanted to know what was going on in your life and how you were, and your page tells me nothing. ;-)

So you've forced me to actually send you a message, which I don't even expect you to reply too, but I figured I might as well. So..... how is life??? Catch me up and start from 1996, lol. Nah, I'm just kidding! Just knowing if life has been good for you is all I really want to know.

Alrighty, this is long enough for now. I'll be willing to share more if you do. Take care.

Robyn (McDaniel) in case you don't recognize me

Will January 25 at 12:17pm

hello robyn. long time no see. well i guess i could describe the last 15 years in one word... disappointing. margaret sucked all the life out of me. but on a lighter note only five more years and ill have her paid off. lmao. anyways it was good to here from you. how have you been.

Robyn Mills January 25 at 10:00pm

omfg, I think you're tying to break my heart. 'Disappointing' is certainly not what I was hoping to hear back. I don't even know how to respond to that because all I feel is anger and sadness. What kind of relationship do you have with Xavier, besides a monthly check? What exactly do you mean by she sucked the life out of you? What did she do? Just so you know, you don't have to tell me.

Things with me have been good. I got married in 2001 and we have 3 kids. We lived in Seattle for 5 yrs but decided to move back to be closer to family. Right now I'm just staying home with the kids. I'll figure out a career later. I'll probably end up going back to school at some point.

How is your mom and your sister? Are you all still living in the area? Any wives/girlfriends/other kids??? Geez, it's been a long time.

I'm still not sure if he's going to reply. I've been wondering all day how ridiculous I sounded getting so upset like that and if he's going to think I'm super crazy. I don't want him to think that I feel sorry for him, I just want him to open up and be honest with me. I know I'm expecting and asking for too much. I blame the damn fanfic.

History pt 1

I first met Will right after I turned 16 yrs old. I started working at JCP in the infant dept., he had started working there a few weeks before me when he turned 16 and he worked in the boys dept. We both had other family members that worked there that led to us getting and keeping these jobs.

My crush was instantaneous. I recognized him as someone who had moved to my middle school in 8th grade, but he went to a different high school. Will was someone that was commonly classified as the "bad boy". Even at 16, he smoked. Gah, I remember he use to flirt with all the girls. He loved to call me "doll", "baby" or "darling". I'm sure it was just one of his things. This did not help with my crush.

ARGH!!!

I replied to Will FB message last night and I seriously can't go 10 minutes without checking to see if he's replied. When I see that he hasn't then I immediately go to check his page. All he ever does is play those FB app games like Cafe World and Farmville. Usually two or three times a day something new from Cafe World will have popped up on his page. It tells me that he has made some kind of weird food and he has plenty to share and wants people to go and have one. I did it last night right around the same time that I replied to his message. I'm hoping that if it tells him that "Robyn" visited his cafe that he'll just assume I was on his page when I was replying to his message. I really don't want him or anybody else I know, knowing how much I stalked him recently. And I would really like to get this under control. I'm hating myself right now. :(

Tues

So I've recently found somebody on FB that I honestly thought I would never "see" again. We'll call him Will. He's someone from my past. Someone from my past that has never stayed in my past, but has always held a spot in the present in my mind. It's been around 14 yrs since I've seen Will, and when I first saw his FB profile picture my heart started pounding, my face and neck became splotchy and my hands started shaking. WTH???? I mean I'm a happily married woman with 3 kids. My husband is amazing and only about 100 times better than Will could have ever been. But I see his picture and I'm immediately taken back in time when Will was the center of my world.

My purpose

I've started this blog to have a place for me to express my feeling and thoughts regarding someone who I've recently found on FB. I'm feeling myself becoming consumed with thoughts of him and I have no one readily available to talk to about this. I need something. I just hope it works.